Ummmmiiiiii!!!”, she screamed as she clambered down the stairs
Her mother came running from the kitchen, spoon in hand.
“What is it Omolola!!? Haven’t I asked you to stop yelling my name from a far distance??”
Still grinning, her 21 year old daughter overwhelmed her with a bone crushing hug.
“God what did I do to deserve such a rascal as a daughter??!”,the woman asked exasperatingly both hands raised in a prayer like gesture.
Mimicking her mother’s stance, the young lady also asks,”God, what did I do to deserve such a damsel as a mother?”

Smacking her daughter’s  head with the back of her hand, the older woman drags her towards the nearest couch.
“Now tell me young woman, what’s your problem?  And please for Allah’s sake STOP grinning like an idiot!”
“Haba mum I’m not saying anything oo. Unless you ask nicely.”
The woman hissed
“You’re not ready.”

“Ummmmmiii….”, she’s interrupted by the sound of the door closing to which she jumps up and runs to the older man coming in.

“Abi’ salaamualaykum guess what?! I’ve been posted to Abuja for my NYSC programme and what’s even better is Aqsa was also posted there and guess what?? We were posted to schools not totally far away from each other and fortunately the accommodation for corpers over there is free. I’ll be teaching Abi’! I’ll be teaching real life people and not those dummy mannequins in my room. I’LL BE TEACHING!!”

She took in a large gulp of air in before sitting while her father just chuckled at the never ending display of energy from his daughter.
“Wow Alhamdulillah Ti….”
“Oh and by the way, how was your day?”, she cuts in again.

“Haba Omolola allow him to finish one sentence before jumping at him with another! And how come you didn’t tell me this earlier? We’ve been in this house together since morning and you’re telling your father who came in like how many seconds ago??”

“4 minutes ummi”

Ready to retort, the poor woman’s reply was cut short by her husband.
“You two ehn. Dear, from the look of things, she herself just got the news and I happened to walk in right on time.”

“I’ve always said I got my savy intelligence from my dad”,his daughter mumbles, careful not to let her mother hear. However a resounding knock on the head confirmed she heard it loud and clear.
“Yeee Ummi! I didn’t say anything nau”,she moaned as she rubbed the affected spot on her head.
Her father laughed out loud.
“Walahi I am blessed. Tisha congratulations on your deployment and I’m glad you’ve got your friend in the same place as you. Let me know what it would cost you for transport and other stuff.”
“Alright sir. Jazakhallah.”
“Wa’yakum habibty.”

“Okay young woman get up and wash those plates in the kitchen before you mop the whole house then go empty the garbage bag.”
“Ummmmmmiiiiiii”, her daughter bemoaned.
“I’m twenty one. Let’s just get a maid nauu.”

The older woman didn’t bother replying but rather made a gesture of bending down to take off her footwear.
Not bothering to see what she would do next, the poor lady ran out of the room as fast as she could with her dad’s resounding laughter ringing out behind her.

Two months later

“Moin Moin gbonaaaaaaa!!”
“E wa ra moin moin gbona ooo!!”
(Buy your hot beans pudding here)

When did they start street hawking in the teacher quarters??
Oh wait a minute
I’m not at my apartment
It’s not just a regular work day for me
Oh my God!
I’m at my parents family house in Ogun state!
But why??
It’s my wedding!!!!!!

Not meaning to, I yank myself from the bed straight towards the mirror.
Frantically, I touch my face.
Then my hair.
Then my thighs.
“No no no no ummi is going to kill me!”

I’ve got literally nothing prepared.
My hair isn’t braided.
Traditional attire still with the tailor.
Jewellery would just be shipped in today.
Hena hasn’t been applied to my hands and feet.
Can’t find a shoe.
And I so can NOT totally use my recommended glasses today yet my next contact lenses appointment is due this weekend.

Lemme just faint!!!!

Okay…. okay
Take a deep breath Tee

Wait sef

I sat on the bed
Why am I even stressing myself?
It’s not as if I went to meet them to get married.
I was on my very own jejeli before they brought the issue of marriage to me.
I’m freaking 21!!!
I’ve not even finished my NYSC.
Ya Allah!

See ehn whatever tantrum I throw today, they should just take it like that.
Getting married to someone I don’t even know his surname.
“Wahala be like arranged marriage”, I mutter as I go back to bed.


” Omolola!!!”
” Lola!”
” This girl has finally finished me”

The sound of my door banging so hard against it’s hinges jolts me from my slumber.
I groan as I recognise the voice of the only person bold enough to stand up to my dad on the whole mess they call marriage.
The duvet gets yanked off from my slender body and I feel myself dragged to the cold bare floor.

“Ummmiiiiii. Please leave me alone. I want to sleep”, I mumble even as I know it’s useless.
“It’s not me and you. If you want to sleep, get up and go to your husband’s house.”
She starts to drag me towards the bathroom

” Do you even know what time it is??! The Imam is outside already. Your father and cousins are dressed fully. The husband and his family is here. Your make up artist has been waiting for you. They’ve cooked food for you to eat before the whole stress sets in. The tailor brought your clothes. Your cousin Asia decided to lend you some of her jewellery. And I was able to get a pair of contact lenses from my doctor friend. And here you are, sleeping your head off!!”, she said all in one breath.

She gave me no chance to reply before pushing me into the bathroom.
“Get yourself cleaned up before I return with someone to deal with your hair.”
She stalked off.
Then turned around as if remembering something
“And if you do not want me to rain slaps on you, you had better be ready by the time I get back. Iwo adoju tini omo yi”
(You disgraceful child)

Is this woman even my mum?

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